Toxic Masculinity Threatens Feminism
Late last year, I had a very disturbing client, a young man, 27 years old, well-dressed and educated.
He left me reeling.
And to be honest, I felt a bit out of my depth, because I wasn’t expecting him to disclose what he did. He came to two appointments but didn’t turn up for the third. I have to admit I was relieved when he didn’t show up.
Let’s unpack what he disclosed, disguising his identity of course, to ensure anonymity.
The Case Unpacked – He Was Having Panic Attacks
The young man arrived for his sessions, explaining his doctor had referred him for counselling to deal with anxiety. He was having panic attacks; he had had a recent break-up with a girlfriend that was unexpected and very distressing. He spoke a lot about his work, which he was deeply invested in, and in which I could see he gained most of his sense of identity.
It appeared from his comments that his unfolding promotions and increasing authority at work were extremely important to him. He explained he was very keen to increase his income and earn more money. He explained he wanted the prestige and power that went with promotion.
His Work Identity was Everything to Him
The young man described himself as a traditionalist who liked the old-fashioned way of doing things in relationships.
He often talked about his need for a higher income so he could take women out on “nicer” dates. He seemed to believe that spending money on women and providing for women, i.e.,being the breadwinner, was really important and essential for him to see himself as a successful man. Much of this attitude seemed to come from traditional, catholic, Christian values, and he shared that his Dad was “hardcore’ when it came to his belief in Christian values. Apparently, Dad was very anti-evolution theory. The young man shared that there was nothing more that he wanted than to make his Dad proud.
In our second session, the focus was on anxiety and his symptoms of anxiety and exploration of strategies that could help in terms of reducing anxiety, like improved sleep hygiene and mindfulness. He shared that he had a younger sister. He stated they weren’t close. He explained that the reason they weren’t close was because of her left-leaning beliefs, the fact that she was a feminist, and he believed she lived in a bubble, whereas he was a now city boy with a wide influence and more experience of life.
He showed disdain for his sister and did not believe her views had any credibility. He seemed to have no insight into the fact that he was talking to a woman, and that is particularly interesting as I definitely have the appearance of an alternative, feminist oriented therapist. My website clearly promotes to readers that I am a very committed feminist. This young man showed no insight into my beliefs, which would have been very easily discerned.
I didn’t declare to him that I was a feminist in our sessions (maybe I should have), and I didn’t argue with his beliefs, but I did enquire as to their influences and how they were working for him.
Because I was thrown by his strong right-wing values and stated anti feminism, I felt shocked and put off. I am accustomed to working with people with strong religious beliefs, more fundamental Christians, Buddhists, Muslims, orthodox Christian, but
I had never encountered such a young person with such dismissal of a well integrated position in Australia such as feminism as a general ideology
(even those who don’t believe in feminism allow it to be…….or did!!!!!) and such a reductive view of the value of women, who he primarily saw as good for reproduction, and who he should be responsible for providing financial support to and to provide nice things for.
My Challenge as a Therapist
After each of these two sessions, I felt thrown, and unsure how to approach this young man.
I certainly was drawing on my authentic curiosity and overall empathy; however, his judgment of the two main women in his life (ex-girlfriend and sister) was quite jarring and shocking.
He spoke highly of his mother (his parents had divorced when he was much younger). He didn’t share what his mother’s political leanings were; however, he did say her love for him was unconditional and that he could do absolutely anything and she would still love him.
Was this a case of a young son being placed on a pedestal by his loving and adoring mother, thus he had no skills in self-reflection as to his weaknesses and failings?
(just the normal kind, I am not referring here to the deeply shameful darkness of his character)?
On the pedestal, had this young man no capacity for understanding the young women in his life?
Did his hubris prevent him from having compassion for their position relating to feminism, having babies and the difficult position for women in our misogynistic society?
He certainly expressed no insight. He insisted he loved to read, and seeing an opening, I moved towards enquiring into his reading material, only to be told he enjoyed reading the bible.
When asked if there was other material he read, he answered no, just the bible.
I suspect he read other material when younger but offered up no examples. I enquired as to the influences on his beliefs and specifically asked if Mum and Dad were the primary source of his beliefs.
He answered no, they weren’t; however, he didn’t seem to be able to tell me where else these beliefs had come from.
He had been exploring local churches for more religious input and expression, but hadn’t yet found a church he liked. He’d grown up catholic but clearly wasn’t looking for a catholic church.
Of course, I suspected he spent time online and on the dark web, exploring his beliefs in anti feminism and right-wing politics, but he did not share this with me.
Maybe he sensed I might question these forays into such online activities, or the pursuit of online influencers and wanted to avoid such a disclosure. We crept around this topic, but he declared no online mentors or favourite influencers.
I had a previous client who spoke often about his love of Joe Rogan, and he also mentioned the significance of Andrew Tate. We know that young men in Australia are being exposed online and, more recently, in mainstream media to Thomas Sewell and his Nazi-supporting National Socialist network.
My young male client didn’t mention any of these influences.
I certainly met a very wounded young man in these two counselling sessions.
He was authentically distressed and very negatively impacted by his anxiety symptoms. His reason for coming to counselling was indeed genuine, and I wanted to help him. However, I had my own very personal reaction to his disclosures.
I take seriously my obligation to attend to the stated needs of my client and respect the reasons they are coming for help. But, when they also present very disturbing belief systems, I react to such disclosures and don’t believe I am in a position to be helpful in their case when such destructive beliefs are dominating.
In this case, I was mildly frightened by this young man.
He didn’t express any violence, but his beliefs about women revealed a significant lack of respect, and due to his apparent lack of self-awareness, I couldn’t be sure there was much more to this story of disconnection from his ex-girlfriend and sister, in terms of potential abuse or worse.
After more than thirty years of practising psychology, I have very much learned to trust my gut.
Would a male counsellor do differently?
Had a male counsellor been in my position, I suspect he might have challenged this young man’s beliefs outright, and this would have been helpful to the young man, as he appeared so unconscious of how his stated beliefs were coming across.
He clearly didn’t respect women (with the exception of his mum, who loved him unconditionally). I wonder whether a man might have been given automatic respect because he was a man, and a challenge may have pierced through his defences.
I will never know what would have happened had I challenged this young man’s beliefs.
It reminds me of an episode in the streaming series Adolescence on Netflix
This particular episode was devoted entirely to a counselling session with the young male protagonist, accused of murdering a young girl.
This was the episode that certainly had the most impact on me. I found it shocking, but believable. It showed the female counsellor being attacked verbally and very aggressively by her young male client.
The Trend With Male Violence and a Growing Anti-feminism
I suspect the incidence of young male violence against females is increasing.
I see evidence of this in my practice.
I have had direct experience of this within my practice with young male clients.
I see in my research a strong suggestion that feminism is being attacked broadly in these times, particularly by the far right and by religious extremists.
Feminism is being demonised.
In the Donald Trump Era, Feminism is Under Severe Threat.
Women are under serious threat (as are men), and as we watch the Epstein Files unravel, we see literally thousands of female victims identified at the hands of male violence.
I include in this the women who serve the Trumps, the Epsteins and hundreds of others who are master women haters.
The personal assistants, the schedulers, the administrators, the caterers, and the multiple female workers who supported and helped facilitate the misogynistic crimes are also victims.
Patriarchal daughters, those women who serve the likes of Trump and Epstein, are victims too, with no power of their own under this variety of male control, living in cult-like bubbles and with no input from a healthier perspective to understand their own complicity and enabling.
They do not make informed choices.
They do not have their own autonomy whilst under the influence of these extreme and relentless abusers, abusers with no limit as to what they will do to those who stand up to them or oppose them.
These women are trapped
The women trafficked are, of course, even more trapped, and the world looks on.
Only Epstein and Maxwell have been accountable for what conservatively seems to be thousands and thousands of the most heinous criminal offences. No wonder young men are emboldened to state so openly their hatred and lack of respect for women.
Hatred and lack of respect for women is being modelled daily by these criminals, and most disturbingly, by those criminals in authority, on the world stage and enabled by criminal systems and criminal governments.
What can we ask?
We can do a lot, so much more than is currently being done.
What can I do about increasing male violence and abuse?
Here are some example responses.
1. Out the abusers
As I have written many times before, we can “out the abusers” in our families and in our communities.
When we know the truth of their offending, we can tell people of their offending.
We can share the facts and evidence of their offending, by talking about it, writing about it, posting about it, and reporting to authorities about it.
I know very well how hard it is and how daunting and how frightening, but this is a primary way to stop the silence and prevent secret offending.
Most importantly, it places the teller in a position where they are not complicit, they are not enabling, they are not part of the problem of allowing violence and abuse to continue by doing and saying nothing about it.
It reverses the power and returns the power to the individual who is telling the truth. I know extremely well that this action leads to judgment, criticism, rejection, alienation and more, but it also releases you from the guilt and shame that you are doing nothing to stop prolific and horrendously destructive patterns of behaviour in our society.
You become part of the solution, you reclaim your dignity, you contribute to making a difference.
2. Decline to be part of it
We can decline to be part of conversations, gatherings, meet-ups, celebrations, groups and organisations that allow offenders to remain unaccountable….. and where the talk of bad behaviour, abuse, violence and offending is normalised.
We can challenge those comments instead of letting them slide. We can say,
Yes, it can place an individual in danger if abuse is outed, where that individual makes clear that they do not support the abuser. Be mindful that they may be harmed later, after the event. (Check in with them once home, or when they have left). However, keep in mind that they are being harmed in the process of the abuse you are witnessing, and it may be helpful, even life-changing, if someone, you, dares to call out the abuse they silently endure regularly without a witness or anyone prepared to stand up for them to their abuser.
Yes, it is uncomfortable. Yes, it creates enormous awkwardness. But these feelings pass. You may just support a desperately needed change in dynamics.
What are the dynamics of abuse, and what can I do today?
In a public setting, with individuals around to witness, I certainly would have confronted this young man, and it certainly would have left a very uncomfortable feeling in whatever setting this took place. But the alternative is worse.
Stay silent, and nothing changes; behaviour continues. Having gotten away with it once, it’s so much easier and more likely that they will do it again, and again and again and again and again.
We see this every day now, on the news, in our social feeds.
We Must Act!
The most critical message I want you to hear
Do you want to see this situation change?
Do you want it to change on the world stage, in your country’s parliament, in your community organisations, schools and sporting groups, in your neighbourhood, in your family, with your friend or partner?
Then start speaking out. Speak, SPEAK OUT, and you will then have become an incredibly important part of the solution.
YOU can be part of the solution and not a bystander, a bystander who didn’t do enough. Please, step off and just say it.
